The best part about getting married — besides baldly snubbing everyone you hate with wedding invites — is registering for gifts you’ve always wanted but will never use. How many woks do you need, friend? Will you really use 15 decorative towels in one lifetime? Who the hell uses china anymore? All good questions! But none of that matters now, because no one’s asking for any of that anymore.
Not now that Dominos has opened its own wedding registry, allowing you to enjoy a lifetime of fast food pizza with the click of a button!
Here’s how it works: You tell your friends and loved ones you’re registered at Dominos. After they’ve processed this information and either clucked at your life choices sadly (sorry, aunt Mildred) or congratulated you on your ingenuity and pragmatism, they log onto the site, where they can choose to buy you gift cards for any important occasion in your married life. Like a card that will help you adjust to life post-honeymoon. Or a card that will allow you to skip a night of cooking and have a low-key romantic evening with cheesy bread instead. If they don’t want to wait for the wedding, there are even options for bachelor and bachelorette parties.
Why the sudden shift into the wedding business? According to a press release, Dominos said “We wanted to give recently engaged couples that are passionate about pizza the chance to register for something they both truly love as much as their partner.”
You know what? I wish I could get married all over again, just so I could include that sentiment in my vows — “I promise to love you as much as I love eating a $ 5.99 medium pizza with two toppings on a Tuesday night! What a value!” — and then pester my own friends and relatives to buy me so many gift cards that I would have no choice but to eat Dominos for the rest of my life. Honestly, could anything else be the secret to a happy marriage?