Because the internet is a safe space for all of us to share our worst secrets publicly, let me tell you a story: When I was 18, I met a dude off LiveJournal — ironic, considering LJ’s new stance on the LGBT community — and we engaged in relations that could be described as carnal. Unfortunately, it was my first time, so when the time came to ooh and ahh, I got really nervous and adopted an English accent.
Even worse, I distinctly remember saying the words “oh, dearie me!” at one point and then, five years later, realizing that that was probably the worst thing I could have said during a time of sexual bliss.
Do you have an embarrassing moment like that? Of course you do! Everyone does! Consider this gentle Canadian, who morphs into the aggrieved employer of a beloved children’s character during coitus:
But, friend, here’s some good news: If you think you’ve said something wrong in bed, you’re probably safe. In fact, according to a recent survey (conducted by Superdrug and polling 2,000 people in Europe and The US), the worst thing you can say during sex is someone else’s name.
And since actions speak louder than words getting the name wrong is just the beginning. Here are a few more things that people surveyed agreed was a sex-foul:
- Someone else walking in
- Someone farting quietly
- Bending the penis the wrong way
- Farting loudly
- Someone peeing a little
- Being asked to film the act
- Being kissed on the foot
- Someone burping
- Being sneezed on
There are several things to enjoy here — especially the fact that all manner of farts are covered — but after reading the list, there are still so many questions. For instance, why is being kissed on the foot so bad? How often do penises get bent the wrong way that people actually have to acknowledge that it’s a problem? And, wait, what’s this about sneezing? Who is sneezing at people during sex without having the decency to turn away? You know a sneeze is coming, why you gotta be so extra?
You can check out more of the results here, but there’s one thing that may not surprise you: No one listed bringing food into the bedroom as a deal-breaker. So no matter how bad the sex is — or how loudly someone’s farting — if you bring in a pizza, it’ll probably be fine.